The Courage To Be Disliked Book Summary

Hello good people of the internet, welcome to a very special episode of the Unlearning Playground podcast. Today, what I'm doing is I'm reviewing one of my favourite books. And you know, with a guy like me, I think you would expect me, when I say that I'm reviewing one of my favourite books, to review one of the books that are placed in this section here, within this section.

I think there are at least a dozen books that I've devoured multiple times over the years and have loved over so many years. But still, when I chose to review a book today, I decided to review what is probably the most recent addition to the list of my favourite books. And it is this book, "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ishiro Kishimi and Fumitake. I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing these names correctly, by the way. These are Japanese names. But this is a beautiful, beautiful book.

And I think what I love the most about this book is that I've had so many friends over the years who've asked me for book recommendations about philosophy or non-fiction self-help books. And for some reason, they can't seem to get over those books. For some reason, they can't seem to spend enough time to actually understand those books.

And I think almost all of them come back and say that this was a very tough read or this was a very boring read or it's just too much for me, and I cannot read this. I think all of them, I can safely say that if you read just this one book, I think it can be enough. And this is a very different non-fiction book. For most non-fiction books, you might expect the author to go on and on about some topics for so many pages. This book is not written in that format.

It's written in the format of a dialogue. So there is this wise guy, this wise philosopher, who has, let's just say, understood the truth about life. And there is a young man who is burning with questions and who is burning with the dissatisfaction he has with his life. And he wants answers. And he goes to this wise guy. And now it's this conversation that is spent, I think, over six or seven nights that they converse.

And that is what is recorded in this book. And what is so beautiful is that it's not that the young man is simply accepting the answers being given to him. This guy is rebelling against them. This guy is asking deeper, insightful questions against what the wise guy is actually telling him. And then all of this is captured in the form of dialogues.

So I think what I really love about this book is that it embodies its own title, "The Courage to Be Disliked." I'm sure when you read this book, you will dislike it. There will be parts of this book that will trigger you. There will be parts of this book that you will rebel against.

And that is the beauty of this book. I think those are the sections of the book which are telling you that this is the part of your life that you most need to work on. And I think I can safely say that I'm gonna give this to almost all of my friends now. So for all the upcoming birthdays and marriage anniversaries, and even marriages for that matter, I think my friends can expect me to gift them this book.

So I think what I wanted to do in this episode was, without giving anything away from what he's talking about, because of course, I cannot cover the entire book within this blog. I still wanted to make sure that for the stubborn ones who would still not go and read this book, they at least have this blog, and they at least have my gist of understanding of this book.

I'm not covering everything, but what I am covering is four major unlearnings that I think are an essential part of this book. And I think if you find yourself being triggered by what I'm about to say in these four unlearnings, you should consider reading this book. So without further ado, let's get into it.

Unlearning number one from this book is actually a recurrent theme throughout the book, and it is very beautifully explained. I personally would not have used these exact same words, but the unlearning is that drama does not exist. And I think it is a very triggering thing to say, right?

It almost sounds as if the author is trying to gaslight your emotions. He's trying to belittle your life situation, your problems, your sufferings, etc. But he's doing none of that. What these words actually try to convey is the fact that trauma does not exist in the present moment.

What has happened has already happened. And the only thing keeping that trauma alive is actually your own ego, is actually your own sense of self that you have built around it. And a great part of that ego, a great part of that sense of self is a matter of choice.

Now you are choosing your life to be arranged in such a manner that that trauma can stay alive because that is the way you navigate the world, that is the way you perceive the world. And therefore, that is what is true for you. And therefore, your ego is the one keeping your trauma alive. Your trauma has no existence apart from your own ego. And this is such a relieving thing to understand, but I think it's also quite central to almost all forms of self-healing, really.

I have personally felt with a lot of my clients that people tend to take a good few numbers of sessions, a good few numbers of hours of unlearning and unravelling their messed-up knots to actually realize, to actually get to the fact that they are the ones keeping their traumas alive. This book does a brilliant job of explaining it, does a brilliant job of hitting you in the face with the truth that trauma does not really exist. And I think if you feel triggered by it, you must read this book.

The second key takeaway from this book is the idea of the separation of tasks. Now, this is something I think is not too triggering for people, but this is something that we tend to often miss out on. What it means when he talks about the separation of tasks is the fact that you know, in a lot of situations, our problems are not really with the situation itself, but rather with how other people are reacting to the situation or how other people are perceiving the situation.

And we want to control that. We want to control the perceptions reactions and responses of other people. And he tries to make you understand that that is not your job. Someone else's perception, someone else's response is not your task. It is their task. So this is real freedom, isn't it? He actually conveys to you the idea that life is as simple as trying to understand your job, what your task is in any given situation, performing it to the best of your ability, and then letting other people do the same. That's pretty much it.

You don't have to worry about someone else's tasks because that is where you need to draw a line. You cannot control everything. So try to realize the processes, and the outcomes that you have control over to the extent you have control over them, and then do your best job at it and have yourself separated from someone else's tasks.

Unlearning number three from this book is another term that I've actually learned for the first time here. He talks about something called life lies, or in simpler terms, some truths that we think are true, and we live our complete lives with those truths.

And we later on understand that they were nothing but life lies. In a few examples he says, a lot of people are convinced that our past controls us. And this is true, right? A lot of people believe that we are nothing but a resultant momentum of whatever causes and effects have already happened to us, and therefore our past controls us in that sense.

Now, this is nothing but a lie because even though you are really a resultant momentum of what has already happened to you, each moment has a certain freshness to it, has a certain choice that comes along with it. And if you can tap into that freshness, that is where you realize that you're not just a resultant vector, you're not just a resultant momentum of what has already happened in the past. And just in that sense, your past does not really control you, and therefore you can also change, which brings me to another life lie that he talks about.

A lot of people are convinced by the idea that because their life has been a certain way because their experiences have been a certain way, they cannot change anymore. This is also false. Everyone can change who wants to. And in fact, the biggest obstacle to changing our own selves is our own ego. Another life lie that comes to my mind right now is the fact that people think that freedom lies somewhere in the future. It cannot be achieved in the present moment. And if you think this is the truth, check out the book.

The fourth and final takeaway I would want to talk about from this book is a beautiful section of the book, which is quiet towards the end, where he is trying to explain to this young man, that he's trying to convince him to try and see life from a bigger perspective, to try and see life from the perspective of life with a capital L, and not just your own limited selfish lens, to see life from a community lens rather.

And the way he had explained, I think reminded me of that beautiful quote from Rabindranath Tagore. I don't remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of, "He who plants trees, knowing fully well that he will never sit in their shade, has finally started to understand the true meaning of life." And this is exactly what is explained in the book right towards the end. So I think it's a beautiful section. If you want to have a clearer understanding of what this quote is about, and what the section is about, make sure you read the book.

Now that I've talked about four things that are my key takeaways from this book, four unlearnings via this book that I would want to convey to everyone, I would also want to talk about one thing about this book that I did not like. And it was that you know, in this book, the philosopher who is teaching this young man, he talks about a school of philosophy that was supposedly propagated by this guy called Adler. So this is, he was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud, I think, I think so.

But in this book, a lot of times, Adler's name comes in. And this guy, the philosopher, is trying to explain concepts and ideas and truths about life via the name of Adler, saying that Adler used to say, so Adler used to teach, etc. And while I understand doing that, there's nothing too wrong with it, I think there has to be a level of discernment that the reader now needs to inculcate.

Things such as this can very easily lead to hero worship, and can very easily lead to what is actually going wrong with almost all of psychology, philosophy, and religion, right? We tend to focus much more on the messenger than the message. So while I'm not too much against appreciating someone who's given forward a good idea and has led to a bigger understanding for humanity, focusing too much on the name, focusing too much on the person can actually derail people of the actual message.

And this actually reminds me of that quote from, I think, J. Krishnamurti. But I'm never sure if he was actually the one who said it. He says the quote goes something like this: "No one listened to the Buddha, and that is why we have Buddhism." A lot of people think of Buddhism as worshipping Buddha, while it could be nothing could be farther from the truth. Nothing could be further from the teachings that Buddha actually really gave. So yeah, I think this is one thing I wanted to talk about, and it's off my chest now.

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