8 Rules of Love by Jayshetty in English

Books, Poems, Movies etc are all related to love at this time. Even the cafes in town have love as the common theme. There are red hearts everywhere. But for people love never happens though people are them are happily in love despite the small fights.

Are they choosing the wrong partner? or is there something wrong with them? or if they think that they are messing up... How do we choose the right person in a relationship? or how to make them like them and vice versa.

How do we make things work out even if they have not worked out thus far? or how do we come out of something which is not working out at all? We have seen many books on relationships in our Book Show before.

I wondered what could be new in Jay Shetty's 8 Rules of Love as I picked up the book. We have already looked into love languages and attachment theories... We have also read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. So, I wondered what else could be new in this book.

These 8 rules of love were both inspiring and informative. And it made me aspire to a relationship like this and made me want to be a partner like this. I am not going to talk about all the 8 rules. But one important rule... Why do always look for the same kind of partner?

Do we have a style of our own? Do we like a certain type of partner? The answer to all these questions... Our parents whom we grow up with i.e., The couple we see at home. influences our decision regarding the type of partner we want and don't want for ourselves.

The things that we saw from our childhood. The way we got love... Was that love comfortable for us? Can we travel lifelong with that love?

We have aspirations to find that kind of partner or to be that kind of partner. We might regularly look for a certain type of people. These types of relationships and people reminded me of a lot of films. You can figure out what type of person you are and what type of relationship you are in.

You can also figure out which type of partner you are attracted to. I will also tell you what to do after figuring out what is this. The first type is a rebel. It might be a boy or a girl who doesn't listen to anyone. They are rebellious in nature and always break the rules which might attract us.

Just like how Bhumika is attracted to rebellious Suriya in Sillunu Oru Kadhal. Most of the time even heroes get attracted to rebellious women in movies.

In this case, the primary attraction is fine. But when we aspire for a long-term relationship based on these aspects things might go wrong. Are you getting attracted to such a person? The way they talk back or get angry... Fighting against injustice is different.

The ones who stand apart and can't get along with anyone else? Is it right to choose a partner based on this alone? But first, you have to know whether the attraction towards the rebel is strong. The second thing is chase.

Matthew Perry had said in his book about how he yearned for his mother's attention. So, he was attracted to women who didn't give him attention. This might happen to us when we are attracted to someone who is not available physically or emotionally.

We might be drawn to them because of this. In case they are physically and emotionally available to us, we might feel bored. The non-availability quotient alone will attract them to us even more. Simbhu from Thotti Jaya is like that.

Trisha from Vinnaithandi Varuvaya These are great examples of characters who don't give attention but are chased by the ones who love them. They might have other good qualities but getting attracted based on this aspect alone...

When they reciprocate and give attention to us We will not know what to do. because we didn't get attracted to that. This is the second type of people. The third type is the project which is actually very simple...

Some people might be weak in life, relationships, careers and other aspects. We consider ourselves as the hero or the heroine who will lift them up. We become the saviour. Our biggest purpose in life is to save the one we love. This is almost like a project.

We put all our efforts to save the one we love. But once we have saved them they have become stronger. We would not know what to do. On the other hand, if we are not able to save the person we love despite trying.

We would be wasting time and energy. The reason for which we came into the relationship will eventually become the reason for moving away from it. This is the third type. Then we have the F boy or F girl. For some, sleeping around or physical intimacy might be the priority

We should not judge them. But one particular boy or girl thinks that their love might change the person... and might enter into a relationship with that belief that the relationship might last forever.

Then the fault is with the person who believed that change is possible and we as a society blame the person who is clear about what he or she wants. Thinking that being in a steady relationship is the only right thing. But there is no right or wrong.

If you know what you want and if you know what the other person wants... Then is it right for the two of you to be together? When they are clear about what they want... And if you believe that the other person will eventually understand that your love is greater than their need for sex...

And if you spent a lot of time and energy with this belief... The change that you want will never happen. Yes, Sex is a vital part. But if your need for sex is lesser than the other person for whom sex is vital. Then looking for an exclusive relationship and getting your heart broken is entirely your fault.

With regards to sex, you will get the intimacy that you desire from certain people... The intimacy that you get might prevent you from seeing what you need in a relationship.

Sex gives a hormonal spike and the flaws of the other person might get blurred. Sometimes it is better to not start a relationship with physical intimacy. Look for emotional intimacy and intimacy about experiences. Then go for physical intimacy.

This will ensure that there is intimacy in all aspects along with physical intimacy. When you start off with physical intimacy you might not get to know the other aspects of a person. When men have sex more Oxytocin will be released.

This might make you feel that the other person is the right one for you. But the truth is it might be because of chemicals in the body. So, don't pin your hopes on temporary highs. Get to know them better. The last type is the Opulent one.

The five opulence are knowledge, fame, beauty, money strength and renunciation We might get attracted to one of these traits but we might not know it. The power held by a famous person might attract us. The luxurious lifestyle provided by a person with money might inspire us.

We attach a positive feeling to a person based on one good thing we like about a person. Like how we assume that a person who reads lots of books might have immense knowledge and will be able to provide solutions. We attach such attributes to a person.

This is wrong, because when we enter into a relationship based on one positive aspect. When we get to know that the other person is flawed in other aspects the relationship might break. Just figure out whether it is enough to get into a relationship with the other person based on one positive attribute.

Because we might subconsciously be drawn towards one positive aspect. We love certain things about ourselves. When we retain that and when the other person likes it, the relationship will be good. So, being ourselves is very important.

The trait we exhibit during the initial days will serve as the attachment factor for the partner. If I give importance to good looks, I will put more effort towards that. Like dressing, perfume, hairstyle, make-up etc. I invest in these and project my good looks.

If good looks are very important to me... Even my partner might prefer good looks. But there might come a phase in my life when the external beauty might go away. I might start hating myself and there might be fear of the partner hating me because the partner came to me for my good looks. And the partner might move on to another person in a short period.

Figure out what you are exhibiting about yourself. which might make you attractive to the other person and they might be drawn towards you. If you give high priority to success Then success might attract the other person towards you. But will the person be with you when you fail?

Or do you have the belief that the person will be with you when you fail If you project your physical fitness and feel that it defines you... It might draw the attention of the other person But if you are unable to maintain your fitness for some reason...

Will your partner still stay with you? Will that person still be interested in you or attracted to you? Such questions might arise. The author also talks about three types of relationship roles. We all play all three roles often But the third role is of utmost importance.

The first role is that of the fixer. When problems arise in your relationship or in your home for you or your partner... We tend to act as the fixer by telling the other person what to do. Fixing the problems and suggesting solutions is okay up to a certain limit.

Being in the fixer role always might irritate the other person and you will also feel tired. Both people should be involved in the fixing process for one person alone cannot do everything. Figure out whether you are a fixer. The second role is dependent.

Sharing your happy or sad moments with your partner is a good thing. But depending on the other person with the hope that your partner will be able to fix everything... A person is not a magician to solve all your problems. But we often expect that in a relationship.

Having such expectations once in a while is fine. We can play all three roles at different times up to a certain limit. But being dependent on the other person for everything thinking that you might not be able to do it alone...

Your partner might not be able to concentrate on his or her life as they have to concentrate on you always which is not possible. By concentrating on your life They might end up losing their individuality. Eventually, they will start hating themselves and might not be able to do anything for you. If you are dependent on the other person, it is high time for you to have a self-check.

The last role is that of the supporter which includes knowing the positives and negatives of each other. You both might have different aspirations about what you do in life But the two of you support each other in everything.

When they mess up in something you can act as a fixer. or you can support and help them to come up with a solution. Be supportive of them when they seek help in finding a solution. When you have a problem of your own, instead of putting the burden on your partner, Seek their support while you come up with a solution.

Give the required space to each other which helps to make the right decision and help to be supportive of each other. Your partner is not your journey. He or she is part of your journey That is how a relationship should be. Your partner should not be your world.

Your partner is not your world or your limit. You have a world and your partner adds beauty to it. The role of the partner in your world is very important. You are one of the reasons for making my world beautiful but you are not the only reason.

Understanding this and being supportive of each other is the supportive role. Figure out which of these roles you play. We saw the contents of one chapter alone today. First, we should know about ourselves and whether the person likes us or not. Then we have to know how to express our love and sustain the relationship including handling conflicts.

What to do if there are things which you cannot tolerate? How to break up in such a scenario? What to do after break up? Why do we enter into a rebound relationship? The answers to all these questions are there in this book.

Knowing the 8 rules of love even if you are not someone in a relationship... or even if you are someone who is happy in a relationship... or even if you are indecisive about the relationship that you are in... or even if you feel guilty about getting out of a bad relationship.

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